Control

Phew what a scorcher! Finally time to enjoy the summer… 31 degrees today so next stop the beach!  Whoooo hooooo!

ARE YOU MAD!? That’s far too much! A little bit less…

Whoo hooo?

That’s better. We still have to be cautious, don’t you know? But you just forget I’m here. Just enjoy yourself.

STOP RIGHT THERE! What were you thinking? Don’t you know there’s still a pandemic? I said “enjoy yourself”. I didn’t say you should needlessly throw your life away for the sake of a sand fort! We have to restart the economy sensibly. Start buying things. Going to restaurants and acting normally… Yes. Off you go. As I keep telling you, it’s all perfectly safe…

BUT NOT THAT SAFE! Didn’t you read the government advisories? There are restrictions still in place! You should have known that. We’re only dabbing the brake peddle but worry not! We’re just slowing down. You have fun…

BUT NOT THAT MUCH FUN! Haven’t you seen the R number? It’s climbing! Holy shit is it climbing!

But, please, get back out there. Here, I’ll even pay for half of your meal because Britain needs your custom. And, you know, we can’t hide away forever…

HIDE NOW! THE VIRUS IS BACK! Jesus Christ, did you just see how it spiked? But crisis averted. As you were. I believe you were enjoying summer…

… AND TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS! Did you really go around to a friend’s house? And you thought that a good idea? Did you even bother to check the government website to see if that was safe?

You did? When?

Ah, I see. That was your fatal mistake! You checked it this morning. This afternoon you’d have seen that it’s the black death over there! But hang on… Let me check. Yep. You can go… wait for it… now. Sound the all clear…

STOP! You’re not in northern England are you, or parts of southern, western, and eastern England? In which case: STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND QUARANTINE FOR SEVEN DAYS!

What are you doing? You’ve breaking quarantine after just seven days. We now advise ten. Get back in there now…

You’re done? But that was just ten days. The rest of world advises fourteen!

But please, the rest of you just ignore us. Nothing to see here. Carry on and enjoy the summer. Relax and rest easy knowing the government has got this well under… control…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Why Dunciad.com?

It’s a cool domain name and it was available. Yes, I know. Available. Crazy, isn’t it?

Really?

Yes. It also helps that it’s also my favourite satire written by Alexander Pope, one of the most metrically pure English poets who also knew his way around a crude insult or two. If you’ve not read it, you should give it a try.

So this is satire, right?

Can’t deny it. There will be some. But it’s also an experiment in writing and drawing, giving work away for free in order to see how many people are willing to support a writer doing his thing. It’s the weird stuff that I wouldn’t get published elsewhere in this word of diminishing demands and cookie-cutter tastes.