… (as written by Stephen Miller, with contributions in black Sharpie by Donald J. Trump)

Four score and seven years ago our fathers, along with Elvis, Frank Sinatra, and the great George S. Patton, strongly brought forth on this continent, a brand new premier, world-class, top-of-the-line, triple A, gold standard nation, conceived on Fox News, and dedicated to the proposition that some men are created more equal than others…

Now we are engaged in a great culture war – some say the greatest – testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated to Ivanka… the lovely Ivanka… can long endure the lies of the fake news.

We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field – and it’s right here, a field! Amazing! Nobody noticed it was here before I mentioned it – as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives so that that America might be great again. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this in the name of the greatest president, second only to Lincoln but some say maybe even greater… Who knows? Old Honest Abe! A republican but nobody remembers that…

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate—we cannot consecrate—we cannot hallow—we cannot protect from the Mexicans—this ground whilst the media refuse to cover it. And they don’t! The brave men, person, woman, camera, TV, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our unlimited presidential power to add or detract or even put the name Trump on it. Imagine that. Trumpberg! How does that sound? Perhaps we’ll develop it into a golf course… I can see that, can’t you? All these natural holes are like bunkers? Am I right? But you know the fake news would say it’s disrespectful…

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, because CNN and the failing Washington Post refuse to cover it. Yet we never forget what they did here so long as we can get ONS. Great channel, O.N.S. It is for us the living – and boy are we living! The doctors hadn’t seen numbers like mine – rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work – and, believe me, we won’t pay them until they finish the work – which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. And they won’t be ripping us off anymore, I can assure you of that, most strongly…

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead (though I prefer the honoured living who didn’t do so much losing) we take increased devotion (I said “Mitch! Taxes can be good!”) to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here resolve most strongly and powerfully and bigly that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God – ooh God, great guy, my favourite of all the gods – shall have a new birth of freedom (people are having kids again! Remember what we did for you on the Supreme Court)—and that government of the people, by some of the people, for a very few of the people, shall not perish from the earth…

2 thoughts on “The Gettysberg Address…”

  1. Very funny. And at the end I still wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to say so I’d say pretty authentic too.

    1. Probably needed some editing but nobody would ever want to read this kind of nonsense but I couldn’t resist. 😉

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