The Last Bit…

I’m not sure this book is generating much interest on the blog (yes, it sounds crap until you “get it”) but I want to publish it anyway. I should never have unpublished it years ago but I certainly shouldn’t leave it lingering as a file on my PC. I also wrote the damn thing and that means something. I also think it’s funny (and probably politically incorrect in about a thousand ways but that doesn’t bother me too much).

Anyway, I’m ready to publish this book but I’m running into some problems. First, here’s the rough blurb I’ve written.

For the first time its full unexpurgated glory, a tale that speaks of unspeakable lust, describes indescribable passion, and teaches you eleven different ways to spell the word “rhinoceros”…

These are the voyages of a woman willing to try everything three times (and once on top of a cupboard). Are you ready to learn the terrible secret of the world’s most notorious hunter? Discover the erotic uses of the buntline hitch knot? Read the 50 shades of perversity that circus clowns put into their non-disclosure agreements?

Get ready for six tales filled with clean-chested cowboys, Olympic cyclists with limitless stamina, as well as a bored panda called Mr Dibbles. Above all, learn to love a woman with a body for sin, an eye for salacious detail, and an address book filled with beach volleyball stars and bubble-bath models.

Just remember: laughter is the second greatest aphrodisiac (after Norwegian durffurgle, as explained on page 98)…

* Contains no nuts.

I’ve now setting up all the metadata and keywords. Have yet to decide on a price. It’s about 42,000 words long so it’s really the length of a novella. I thought maybe £1.99, though Amazon tries to get authors to price everything at 99 cents. Is £1 too little? Too much? I’m terrible at this side of the business.  

I quickly decided I won’t be entering the Amazon StoryTeller2020 competition because a) I don’t stand a chance of winning and b) it’s judged by Claudia Winkleman and I can’t stand Claudia Winkleman.

My problem is that I don’t know what categories to include it under. I can pick any two. Humour is the first but what should I pick for the second? I really don’t want it to go in the erotica section, where it would be listed with books that range from the dull to disturbingly fetishistic. Plus, it’s genuinely not erotica. It’s just funny to call it that.

What is it? It’s something else. Broad comedy. Slightly satirical. Do I put it under general fiction?

I always hate this bit.

4 thoughts on “The Last Bit…”

  1. You may find that part of the lack of interest is because navigating to your main site page doesn’t take you to the most recent post. I am getting taken to “Some filth nobody asked to see” as the most recent post.

    I think one problem you may have is that Chuck Tingle has done the “taking the piss out of amazon erotica” genre to death. It looks like a saturated market. How has he managed to write so many of these things?.

    1. Hmm… Not sure about the blog thing. Are you sure you’ve not bookmarked the wrong page? New posts always appear at the top for me.

      Chuck Tingle… Never heard of him, though, in truth, I wrote this a few years ago. I might also have missed him because I didn’t look at gay erotica because it would never have occurred to me since I was responding to the 50 Shades culture and also, if I’m honest, I could only write out of my own hetero idenity.

      PS. I read a page. Very different to my writing, not least because I couldn’t see a single joke, which is perhaps more shame on me. Mine is almost nothing but jokes, one liners, weird meta narrative stuff… It doesn’t matter. I wrote it. I like it. I’ll publish it. Let people hate it or ignore it. I’ll be moving on. 😉

      1. Good for you, just wondering if that market really give a shit beyond the front page of these things. I came across him a few years ago looking for a book on dinosaurs, honest I did…. ;-).

        1. Indeed. That’s why I’ve not listed it under erotica. I’ve gone humour and satire. Plus I don’t mind if it sells or doesn’t sell. I wrote it so I want the best version out there that represents my abilities now. It contains a new story, which I enjoyed writing. New cover which I like. And when I’m done writing today’s ‘serious’ article, I’ll go draw a silly illustration which I now need for the first story.

          And, having read that Tingle bloke, the only thing that I’m jealous about is his sales. My book is funnier and the writing snappier. IMHO, of course. Always, IMHO! 😉

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It’s a cool domain name and it was available. Yes, I know. Available. Crazy, isn’t it?


Yes. It also helps that it’s also my favourite satire written by Alexander Pope, one of the most metrically pure English poets who also knew his way around a crude insult or two. If you’ve not read it, you should give it a try.

So this is satire, right?

Can’t deny it. There will be some. But it’s also an experiment in writing and drawing, giving work away for free in order to see how many people are willing to support a writer doing his thing. It’s the weird stuff that I wouldn’t get published elsewhere in this word of diminishing demands and cookie-cutter tastes.