Sex and the Single Data Modeller

The news that Professor Neil Ferguson has been crunching something more than the numbers during lockdown means I need to stick a new post-it on my monitor to remind me that it’s ‘none of my bloody business’. It’s the business of certain newspapers, though, who seem to take great delight in having found somebody displaying that most human of characteristics: hypocrisy.

Should I care? Show me a person who isn’t a hypocrite and I’ll show you a rare Patagonian three-nostriled sloth that can rap when suitably stimulated. After all, how many people are clapping for the NHS and immediately jumping in a car to go visit relatives? Just from where I sit, I can probably point through the window towards … Read the rest

Alas, poor Icke! A fellow of infinite bullshit…

So, Youtube has finally stopped David Icke from using their platform. Well, thank some-Christ-like-figure for that!

You might not be old enough to remember the emergence of Icke. He’s a former lower-league goalkeeper turned forgettable sports presenter turned annoying Green Party spokesman turned… well, it’s never been polite to say what I thought he became. But more on that later.

He claimed to have once visited a psychic who told him he was a “Son of the Godhead”. There are more elements to the story than that but you only need one bit of his bullshit to know you don’t want to waste your time with the rest. If experienced by most people, Icke’s “revelation” would have been described as … Read the rest

Hancock’s Half-Sour Achievement

We’re all well used to reading political news that we know will skew either to the right or the left. The government trip over their feet and certain papers drag them to the iron maiden before slamming the door on their toes. The government achieves a small victory and other papers fete them as if they’ve just conquered the Moon. I despise that kind of front-loaded journalism, especially on a day like today when the government have achieved something meaningful, failed to achieve something arbitrary, and have apparently given the figures the old Joe-Biden-let-me-ease-that-knot-in-your-shoulders treatment.

“He’s Only Gone and Done It” screamed The Daily Mail this morning, celebrating Kim Jung-Hancock as he “smashes viral testing goal”. “Supine” doesn’t begin to … Read the rest

Extroverts are ruining lockdown for us introverts

Heads up for another important date in the diary: Friday, 8th May, when the nation will commemorate VE Day with a national doorstep singalong to Dame Vera Lynn’s ‘We’ll Meet Again’.

Jotted that down? Good. Now you’ve had fair warning to lock your doors by eight and be in bed before the public displays of exuberance kick off…

You see, one of the unforeseen consequences of this lockdown is that the nation seems to have been taken hostage by the extroverts. You know the type: stuck inside all week thinking of moronically dim ways to make loud noises. It’s like they’re incapable of passing the time without needing to batter their Tefal Titanium Fusion Non-Stick in the name of a … Read the rest

Trump Meme

There’s a laughable right-wing meme by the cartoonist Ben Garrison out there which depicts a muscled Trump covered in words and phrases such as “liberty” and “freedom”, whilst bullets representing “Islam”, “FBI” and “gay agenda” bounce off him. This is my slightly more realistic version.

A Sunday Ramble

A quick ramble through the Sunday verbiage and it turns out that curse about “living in interesting times” really was a curse, after all. Really, where do we begin to catalogue this ruby-veined tumescence of abject incompetence? We really need a new lexicon of words to properly convey the scale of these various crises. Words such as…

“Borisified”

According to The Sunday Times, the country missed numerous chances to lessen the impact of the coronavirus because Boris Johnson was busy doing exactly what we expected of Boris Johnson, which means doing the bare-arsed minimum.

No doubt there will be arguments about when it’s right for a Prime Minister to attend Cobra meetings and how delegation works inside a cabinet-led … Read the rest

Don’t @ Me

I’m not, I hope, unreasonable. I even hope people who contact me find me pleasant to deal with. I try to be quite generous with my time and attention. I essentially like people and enjoy talking to them. Nothing delights me more than getting a fun message or email. Where I draw the line, however, is with debating. Debating becomes a royal pain in the arse given that I spend a good part of my week writing articles with a strong political bent. It can make my Twitter life hell.

First is the problem of timing. I often write a piece on, say, Monday morning, which won’t appear until sometime Tuesday. By the time the tweets start to appear, it’s … Read the rest

The Great Panic Deconstructed

In The Mail on Sunday, this week, Peter Hitchens again writes about what he calls the “Great Panic”. He complains that those that challenge him “choose to abuse me, often with lies, personal smears and swearwords.” He goes further: “Your childish, intolerant reaction has strengthened me in my conviction that mine is the better case. If your policy is so good, why can you not defend it like civilised adults? Do you really think that I regret needless deaths any less than you? Can you not accept that I also have good motives?”

Well, I can and will accept that he has good motives. In fact, I’ll even allow he has the very best motives. I do believe that … Read the rest