Yes, I know I don’t believe but there’s still something satisfying in the old curses.
I had three hours sleep, hitting the pillow about five thirty. I’ve written a piece about last night which should appear today. I’ll hopefully have more to say about it in the coming days. Real life is crowding for my attention today and I wanted to write about that. I will say that I worry that Trump is going to win this by a tiny margin, and I don’t know what that will do to America. I have American friends who were genuinely frightened last night. Another win in the popular vote but the minority ruling the country – the abortion issue makes me despair… It feels like something is going to break in America.
I have no idea what happened. Voter suppression? Mail fraud? Something doesn’t smell right but that might just be the smell of that other America that we don’t notice when we’re celebrating all the great things about the U.S.A. Fear and a strong-man personality cult are a potent brew. Not sure how many times we need to have this lesson before optimistic fools like myself learn.
But back to real life.
They’re talking of sending my Mum home, but her confusion is still really worrying. However, talking to somebody today about her condition, I was struck by the realisation that it might not be confusion. It’s beginning to sound more like the delirium she suffers when she has a UTI and, as my sister pointed out, my Mum got worse after her course of antibiotics ended about eleven days ago.
This is now my problem. I keep mentioning this to doctors who refuse to acknowledge it could be a water infection. Some talk about using dip-sticks, even though enough medical papers have been written proving that dip sticks don’t work for somebody over 65 and for people younger they are only accurate 30% of the time. Other doctors talk about the lab culture test which are only accurate 50% of the time.
I can’t argue against doctors. They put up their shields. “It would be medical malpractice to prescribe blindly” one told me the other day, though that’s exactly what they did in the other hospital when my mum had this and repeated tests came back negative. Perhaps it is wrong. What do I know? I just know she’s been like this in the past and the standard UTI antibiotic has brought her back to her senses.
I’m lost and have no idea what to do. How can I contradict doctors? How can the hospital be wrong and me right? This is a fucking awful situation I’m in and I haven’t really got into the reality of what’s happening. I’m at the point where I suddenly realised the other day that I could lose the house over my head and so could my sister – the house we’ve lived in our entire lives… It means I have to now step up and prove myself more capable as a carer. This shit has got serious. Life is about to get so much harder.
This morning I noticed a couple of people on Twitter tweeting me today because they are amused that I might have been wrong about Trump. That’s the least of my problems. What’s scary is that I’m not even depressed. The Trump news hasn’t hugely affected me because I was already numb. If feels like my life has gone from something to nothing in the space of a few days. I’m really scared of meeting the person I’ll be collecting from the hospital. I’m frightened that I might not be able to cope.